From Loss to Life
This blog is written by SIDS America co-founder, Cheryl Darnell, whose son Billy died from SIDS. The thoughts reflected here come from Cheryl's heart to encourage others who are also experiencing the death of a child from SIDS. Her desire is that you might find hope and healing through her words and know that you are not alone.
Nov
23
2011
Cheryl Darnell
Comfort, Death, Doubting God, Encouragement, Faith, Family & Friends, Grief, Healing, Heaven, Holidays, Hope, Loss of Baby, Prayer, Scriptures, SIDS, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome
For those grieving the loss of a child to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), holidays can be really tough. Sometimes we simply go through the motions with the least exertion of effort, just trying to "make it through." And that's okay.
But it's also okay to enjoy the holidays. It's okay to find joy in other things while also deeply grieving the loss of your child. In fact, it is those sources of joy that will spark glimmers of hope and help bring healing to your heart over time.
When I consider the original "Thanksgiving," it was not a picture of family dressed up and sitting in comfy chairs in a central-heated dining room with a table decked with fine china, a perfectly roasted turkey, and an abundance of gourmet sides. Colonists gathered around their hand-built, humble, drafty log cabins with, sadly, many pilgrim family members missing. Half of the colonists were casualties of the previous harsh winter and diseases. And yet those who were present gave thanks. For...
Oct
18
2011
Cheryl Darnell
Comfort, Death, Encouragement, Faith, Fear, Grief, Guilt, Healing, Loss of Baby, Scriptures, SIDS, SIDS Awareness, SIDS Support, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome
With October being SIDS Awareness Month, the American Academy of Pediatrics has released a new recommendation for safe sleep practices for infants. The AAP states, "Bumper pads should not be used in cribs. There is no evidence that bumper pads prevent injuries, and there is a potential risk of suffocation, strangulation or entrapment." (http://www.aap.org/pressroom/sids.pdf)
KRDO Channel 13 in Colorado Springs, CO, asked to interview us to get SIDS America's opinion on the new recommendation. You can click here to watch the video: http://www.krdo.com/health/29521577/detail.html
Dr. Hannah Kinnney, with Children's Hospital Boston in Massachusetts, led the breakthrough study revealing in February 2010 a link between SIDS and low...
Sep
20
2011
Cheryl Darnell
Brokenness, Comfort, Doubting God, Encouragement, Faith, Grief, Healing, Heaven, Hope, Loss of Baby, Loss of Faith, Loss of Hopes & Dreams, SIDS, SIDS Support, Songs That Heal, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome
Songs can bring incredible healing, and when a song is inspired by the Word of God, which is living and powerful, it can minister to a broken heart like no other words can. One such song was sent to me just after our son died. I will confess, it took me about 3 MONTHS before I even took the packaging off the CD. People grieve differently, and for me, I was just very silent for the first couple months. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to read any books about grief. And worship- which had always been "my escape"- my place where I felt closest to the Lord- now was extremely painful. I didn't know if I really believed what I was singing anymore. How could I worship or praise my God in the midst of wanting to blame Him for my tragedy?
Then I heard this song. I played it by myself in my room one afternoon. And I wept. For what seemed like hours. I played the song over- and over- and over. The words consumed me- and became my own cry- my desperate attempt to find the...
Aug
8
2011
Cheryl Darnell
Brokenness, Comfort, Death, Encouragement, Faith, Grief, Healing, Hope, Loss of Hopes & Dreams, Scriptures, SIDS, SIDS Support, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome
For a family who has suffered the death of a child to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), a great part of grieving their baby's death involves missing memories and milestones that never were....grieving the loss of the hopes and dreams you expected to experience with your child.
One such dream is the day you send your child off to school. Three simple words, "Back-to-School," can evoke a vast array of emotions and meanings for parents, but at the end of a long, hot summer, the general consensus among parents and kids is a feeling of anticipation and excitement. Yet the season can also cause great sadness to well up in the hearts of parents who have suffered the death of a child.
Personally, I have some mixed emotions about it this year. Our "big girl" is entering Kindergarten, and boy have we been so excited about school supplies and school clothes. (never knew the delight that a pair of blunt scissors and a gluestick could bring!)
But then I was...
Jul
24
2011
Cheryl Darnell
Death, Encouragement, Family & Friends, Grief, Healing, Sharing Your Story, SIDS, SIDS Stories, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome
Since the death of our son, I've had friends who have miscarried early in pregnancy, friends who have miscarried late in pregnancy, friends who have grieved infertility, friends who have given birth to stillborn babies, friends who have lost a parent, friends who have lost a friend or family member to suicide, and friends who have lost a young child to freak accidents. It is interesting to me how often tragedies get compared. A number of times I have heard, "Oh, Cheryl, I'm devastated over my loss, but I can't IMAGINE what it must feel like to have lost your child whom you held, nursed, and knew!"
But what IS worse?? Losing Billy to SIDS at 5 months where I don't get to watch him grow up and talk and develop his unique personality? Or losing Billy at age 25 when I have 25 years of memories to mourn? Or losing him in my womb before I even get to know his gender, see his smile, or hear his laugh? What about my precious friend who longs for children and yet cannot...
Jul
23
2011
Cheryl Darnell
I had a conversation with a precious mother who lost her son to SIDS and was experiencing a crisis of faith. The death of her child caused her to intensely struggle with doubt over what she previously believed to be true about God and His love for her.
I know that through your grieving the loss of your baby that you, too, may be really wrestling with God, questioning, and not wanting "rote religious answers" to the very real pain you have been going through. If you've come to a crisis of your faith in your suffering, it's okay! God can certainly handle our being real with Him. In fact, He wants nothing else BUT for us to come to Him with our honest feelings and thoughts.
Personally, I've never felt God more closely than the times I've wrestled with Him over the death of my son. I told Him it wasn't fair. I told Him I didn't understand. I asked Him where His goodness could possibly be in the midst of my tragedy. I told Him I didn't know whether I really believed...
Jul
22
2011
Cheryl Darnell
It seems like I have spoken a lot lately with grieving moms who are wrestling with the desire to have another baby after losing a child to SIDS. I've spoken with some moms who are already pregnant and overwhelmed with fear at the thought of losing another baby. Bill and I have had 2 sons since we lost our beloved Billy. I understand many of the thoughts and fears you may be having right now. And I'm still living them myself, as our newest just turned 5 months old. So let's talk about that.
First of all, having experienced the tragedy of SIDS, we feel much more vulnerable than we may have before. When I was pregnant with our first child, it was pretty blissful because I did not have complications and I was so naive to most things that could go wrong during pregnancy, childbirth, or the first year of life. But when I got pregnant after Billy died, fear consumed me. I wrote this prayer in my journal- "Jesus, please...
Dec
23
2010
Cheryl Darnell
Amid all the Christmas shopping, decorating, caroling, pageants, anticipation and excitement, there is also a very real sadness that Christmas evokes in some people. For families in financial stress, you hear, "Oh, they won't get to have a Christmas this year." And what about celebrating the holidays when a loved one has died? The first Christmas after our son died of SIDS, I thought, "How can I possibly enjoy Christmas this year? Christmas just won't be the same."
While grief certainly affects our emotions as we experience the holidays, and while feelings of deep sadness are definitely expected and natural (I still cry over our baby Billy), we do not have to remain in a state of despair. Grief and tragedy do not dictate whether or not Christmas happens. Read this excerpt from the Christmas story in Luke 1:30-33 and 2:8-14--
The angel Gabriel tells Mary, "...you have found favor with God. 31 You will conceive and give birth to a...
Mar
29
2010
Cheryl Darnell
I can’t believe it has been two years since I last saw and held my baby Billy. I still cry when I see an ambulance. Every time I’m with my nephew, who was born 2 weeks after Billy, I think of what Billy would look like and what he’d be doing now if he were still with us. When we take family pictures, it never seems complete. My husband teared up the other day at the tax services office when the rep told him she had to delete Billy from our “dependents”- his name, his social security number, his birthday. I know it’s just for tax purposes- but it’s another painful reminder that he’s not here. There’s something really sad about “removing” him from our family. Will he be so quickly and easily forgotten?
While many horrific details of that tragic Saturday morning have graciously lost their painful sting, I will certainly never forget what happened- and the devastation it left in my life. I won’t forget the image of my baby, not breathing, in his crib when I went to get him...
Dec
8
2009
Cheryl Darnell
The following list might be helpful for parents grieving through the holidays.
- Remember little things that were unique to your baby and share those memories with those close to you.
- Bring out special photos of your child (it helps “include” your baby in your celebration).
- Journal how you feel and how you have healed since last Christmas. (If it’s your 1st Christmas since your baby died, you may want to write out all that you are sad about missing.)
- Plan ahead and discuss with other family members how you’d like to honor your baby.
- Share your hesitations, fears, feelings, expectations, and plans with your family, especially those who you plan on being with during the holidays.
- Make a list of what you normally do for the holidays, and cross out anything that you just can’t handle doing this year or that really doesn’t need to be done- go easy on yourself....
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