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Coming to a Crisis of Faith
I had a conversation with a precious mother who lost her son to SIDS and was experiencing a crisis of faith. The death of her child caused her to intensely struggle with doubt over what she previously believed to be true about God and His love for her.
I know that through your grieving the loss of your baby that you, too, may be really wrestling with God, questioning, and not wanting "rote religious answers" to the very real pain you have been going through. If you've come to a crisis of your faith in your suffering, it's okay! God can certainly handle our being real with Him. In fact, He wants nothing else BUT for us to come to Him with our honest feelings and thoughts.
Personally, I've never felt God more closely than the times I've wrestled with Him over the death of my son. I told Him it wasn't fair. I told Him I didn't understand. I asked Him where His goodness could possibly be in the midst of my tragedy. I told Him I didn't know whether I really believed in Him anymore. He answered me- with some answers, and when I didn't get all the answers, I did receive His love and healing. How did my anger and doubt towards God lead me to an even stronger love for and trust in Him? I think because He means what He says in His Word. And He loves me through all my emotions and reactions to my circumstances.
While spending some time with the Lord one morning, I came across 1 Peter 5:10. It says, "the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast."
I read the scripture to myself again. First, I found it comforting to be assured that our suffering is just "a little while" (even though 1 minute of it seems like more than enough, huh?). Secondly, I thought it reassuring to know that His Word says that HE WILL restore you- and HE will make you strong, firm, and steadfast.
You can completely fall apart, even in your faith, and God promises to restore you.